a distant memory.

six months ago we were planning the final details of our epic journey, the image of us driving off together into the unknown helping to distract from the often debilitating pain we were feeling after the loss of my mother. six weeks ago we were on the road, windows rolled down, living out loud, the wind whipping in our ears, the radio blaring, helping to drown out the melancholic dialogue in our heads. we don't have a distraction anymore, the trip nothing but a distant memory, the sadness weighing on us.

i am home alone all day, every day. i'm drowning in free time. i often find myself wondering where the day went, six hours gone & all i have to show for it are teary eyes & the seventeen lists i've made in an attempt to get my head together. & it's not any easier for luke. he's alone most evenings & is dealing with an equally exhausting internal struggle. turns out life can be fucking difficult, fucking complicated & fucking ugly.

but we are determined to rise from the pit we have found ourselves in. our pit of self pity. our pit of sorrow. our pit of cruel words, missed opportunities, crushing heartache, mistakes made. we are determined to get back to us. the us that goofs off & carries on. the us that decides hitting all ten restaurants on the best of ottawa list is a must do. the us that never turns down an invite from friends. the us that chases down new craft beer releases & consumes them in moderation. the us that considers date nights & short getaways a priority. the us that is constantly setting - & acheiving - goals. 

family, please continue to be patient with & supportive of us. friends, please continue to reach out to us, even though we've turned down so many generous invitations. life, please be kind to us as we attept to figure you out.

home, bittersweet, home.

no, we haven't fallen off the face of the earth or disappeared into the wilderness [ if only], we're home & back to reality. back to a reality that, quite frankly, is a total mindfuck. we went from five months of unbridled freedom, to two days a week of free time, with only seven days in between to get our heads around it. total. mind. fuck.

since arriving home we've spent hours upon hours pondering our life. & life in general. & the meaning of life. &, for the life of us [ ! ] are not able to understand how working [ sometimes ten to twelve hours a day ] five of seven days a week while we are at our healthiest & most capable of adventuring, to pay for a life we barely have time to live &/or to sock money away for a future we are not even guaranteed makes any sense.

to be clear, it's not that we dislike work. it's the opposite, in fact. we love & respect work. without work we'd never have been able to take five months off to travel north america in a van this summer. without work i wouldn't have been able to spend five weeks walking across spain three years ago. without work we would never had the opportunity to honeymoon in europe for three months [ & subsequently move to dublin ]. &, perhaps most importantly, without work we would never have been able to press PURCHASE & book the flights that reunited luke with his family in poland after almost fifteen years in canada [ & awoke the wanderlust inside of us ]

all that said & thought about, it seems to us we should be out exploring NOW while our movements aren't limited by the aches & pains that come with aging. NOW when we will benefit from all the world has to teach us. NOW before the sea swallows up the maldives & the black rhino becomes extinct. hell, NOW before world war III breaks out.

so what next?