six months ago we were planning the final details of our epic journey, the image of us driving off together into the unknown helping to distract from the often debilitating pain we were feeling after the loss of my mother. six weeks ago we were on the road, windows rolled down, living out loud, the wind whipping in our ears, the radio blaring, helping to drown out the melancholic dialogue in our heads. we don't have a distraction anymore, the trip nothing but a distant memory, the sadness weighing on us.
i am home alone all day, every day. i'm drowning in free time. i often find myself wondering where the day went, six hours gone & all i have to show for it are teary eyes & the seventeen lists i've made in an attempt to get my head together. & it's not any easier for luke. he's alone most evenings & is dealing with an equally exhausting internal struggle. turns out life can be fucking difficult, fucking complicated & fucking ugly.
but we are determined to rise from the pit we have found ourselves in. our pit of self pity. our pit of sorrow. our pit of cruel words, missed opportunities, crushing heartache, mistakes made. we are determined to get back to us. the us that goofs off & carries on. the us that decides hitting all ten restaurants on the best of ottawa list is a must do. the us that never turns down an invite from friends. the us that chases down new craft beer releases & consumes them in moderation. the us that considers date nights & short getaways a priority. the us that is constantly setting - & acheiving - goals.
family, please continue to be patient with & supportive of us. friends, please continue to reach out to us, even though we've turned down so many generous invitations. life, please be kind to us as we attept to figure you out.
Any day, any place, any time you want or need moment...an escape... a chat, a laugh, our doors are always open. Consider this the 24hrs a day 7days a week invite... you guys are not alone. Takacs love always.
ReplyDeleteThank you Shawn [ & Jess }. We love you too, & will reach out to make plans soon. xo
Delete<3 <3 <3 <3 <3
ReplyDeletexo
DeleteBeautiful writing Jess; raw and brave. Be kind to yourselves as you figure it all out, in whatever amount of time that takes. I can definitely relate to what you are going through. In 1996 I left a good job and went on a west coast adventure, living in Whistler for 3 amazing years. And then off to Australia for the better part of another year. It was pure freedom. These were pre-mobile phone and pre-Facebook days (glorious!) and you go could a week or two without connecting with family back home. One day at a hostel in Noosa, I checked my hotmail to see a bunch of panicked emails from family to call home immediately; only to find that my Mom had just been diagnosed out of the blue with ovarian cancer. Long story short, I was soon back in Ottawa to be with my Mom. Within two weeks of being home, I was back at my old job from 4 years previous...at the same desk..and to find my old winter boots were still in my work closet! It was bizarro world. I actually felt at times like my 4 year adventure had never happened and I sunk into a depression on and off in that first year. I had gone from complete freedom with minimal responsibility, and back into a 'serious' job in a city I wasn't sure I really wanted to be--other than loving the time I would get to spend with my Mom over the next couple of years before she passed. Life can be brutal and cruel at times for sure. Take care of each other and look forward to hoisting a pint next time I'm in town. Take care, Chris
ReplyDeleteSending love and hugs my friend
ReplyDeleteLauren and I are always around and have an open door anytime. I promise no foot and mouth disease this time. Come by anytime and jam, chat, hang with us, the kids and the cat :) We cherish our time with you guys, your free spirits and the amazing laughs and adventures on our trips to Montreal, Italy and Greece. Awesome memories, let's make more! Love you guys.
ReplyDeleteJess and Luke, Sarah and I think of you often. New Mexico is a timeless place that will welcome your. Return when you are ready. Please know that we always have a crash pad here with your names on it, and we enjoy your company. Best wishes to you both and happy new year. Nate (and Sarah)
ReplyDeleteNathan [ & Sarah ], thank you so much for your very kind words. We think of you two often as well & we love telling the story of our meeting. You are exactly right about New Mexico. It felt like home. Jess [ & Luke ] xo
ReplyDelete